Telling dirty jokes can either work or fail. However adult jokes are pretty good. We have compiled the finest dirty jokes for grownups which will make you laugh so hard that you will be glad you are called an adult.
You might even discover some fresh sexting content. Because every lasting relationship requires the ability to laugh about sex, as we all know, or at least one that is less weird.
The dirty jokes in this article and other jokes for adults are intended to help people have fun with everything they do, especially adult-related activities.
100 Adult dirty jokes that are extremely funny
- Can you guess what the toaster said to a slice of bread? It said, “I want you inside me.”
- Darry said to him, guess what one saggy boob would say to the other saggy boob? When he received no response he said “One saggy boob said to the other, ” If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”
- A worried Lily asked her roommate. “If I was addicted to masturbation then suddenly I became addicted to sex, would that mean that my addiction got out of hand?”
- “Do you know what goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?” “I bet you never knew the answer is Gum”
- “Women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly
- Just a random thought but I think the best part of gardening is Using your hoe.
- Guess what the hurricane said to the coconut tree? It said “ Hold on to your nuts; this ain’t no ordinary blow job”
- “I’ll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away” –Unknown
- I bet you never knew what sex and tests have in common. For the two a lack of focus can ruin everything.
- I saw a tweet that someone said “If you were born in September, it sure is safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang”
- I will tell you what you never heard the penis whisper to the condom. It says “Cover me, I’m going in”
- Important advice not to overlook. “Don’t mess with the clitoris, it comes from the ‘hood”
- Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay
- Guy: Hey pretty Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
- “I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall
- A random thought, guess what the farmer has in common with my wife? They both wake up to a cock. Ha!
- So she screamed aloud while staring up at me. “Give it to me! Give it to me! I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
- While two friends argued about Who makes more money between a hooker and a drug dealer? A man who has been listening in on their conversation walked up to them and gave them the answer, saying. “A hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again”
- “I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” – Sarah Millican
- “Want to know why women don’t blink before foreplay? Not enough time.” Joan Rivers
- Adult 101 answers your questions. What should you say after f*cking a military woman? Answer: “Thank you for your cervix.”
- This a curious question with the truest answer. What do walruses love about a Tupperware party? Answer: They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
- “How do you pick up an archaeologist? Tell them you’ve got a bone to discover.”–Unknown
- Lecturing my drunk friend who was questioning how a thunderstorm is similar to sex. I lectured him saying “You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last”
- Guess what the boobs say each time it sees the bra? “We could really use your support right now.”
- This is why I said the military is like getting a blowjob? Answer: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
- Do you have any idea what basic training has in common with sex? You have to pound the private
- Guess what the Impossible Burger has in common with a dildo? Answer: They’re both meat substitutes.
- “My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr
- Can you guess the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?
A: The wedding ring.
- Guess what the clitoris and a pitcher’s mound have in common? Answer: They are both little bumps where everything important happens.
- This was what the clitoris said to the vulva? It’s all good in the hood!
- “Foreplay is like beef burgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wood
- Have you ever wondered why vegans give better heads? It is because they’re used to eating nuts.
- This was what the leper said to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
- Do you know why women’s underwear has flowers on them? Answer: it is In memory of the faces buried there.
- I had a visitor last night, he explored my body and licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left, and I was hurt. Damn mosquito!!!
- Willy asked his buddy who had a sad expression on his face, while his girl sat across the room looking with no expression on her face. “Why did the sperm cross the road? His buddy: It is because I put on the wrong sock that day.
- This is the clear difference between an ass and a rude audience? You can make an ass clap but the rude audience? Aht aht!!.
- “What do boners and personal style have in common? They’re made worse by sweatpants” –Unknown
- I realized why masturbation feels just like procrastination. It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
- Between a mother and daughter.
Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches you pu**y say “Stop”
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”
- I compared my girlfriend to a termite and she was mad and wouldn’t let me explain why I think she has something in common with a termite. They’re both wrecking my home by filling their mouths with wood.
- You won’t believe what Cinderella did when she got to the ball. She gagged!
- “What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids” –Unknown
- “They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell Howard
- “What’s the difference between an ass and a kid? You can still slap an ass”–Unknown
- Joe: What do a labia and a great essay have in common?
Henry: They both get a major-A
- I was astounded when I heard folks still ask When condoms should be used? People that should be used on every conceivable occasion!
- “My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord” Unknown
- What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? Answer: A tearjerker.
- My friend is the type to go meet a girl and say. “Are your ankles having a party? Because I think your pants should come down”
- What a receptionist at a sperm bank says to clients when they are leaving? Answer: Thanks for coming!
- We sat just close by as the woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. and her response was “Depends on what’s in it for me.”
- My friend asked a prostitute if he could pay her with a credit card. She said to him “that’s not what the slot is for”
- A husband said to his wife “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” She thinks for a while and gave him a quick smile, and responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”
- “What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night” –unknown.
- What my wife has in common with my pinky toe is that I bang both on the table.
- I saw someone say “What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off! Damn!
- She got mad at him for pulling out and told him it was a dick move.
- Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Those will be Pretty nuts!
- A free tip for you on how to make a pool table laugh. Just tickle its balls.
- Do you know what a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? Answer: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
- Phew! Guess the news? I got a booty call from life and it wants to keep f*cking me!
- I hate maths but I like mathematics in sex. You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and then pray there’s no multiplying.
- Between a man and his sister.
Man: What’s the difference between a vagina and a man’s mind?
Sister: Vaginas expand
- Sexaul idea tip from my desk. If you have sex in an elevator. It will be great on so many levels.
- The clear difference between a storage unit and a brothel is, One is full of stuff, and the other’s full of the muff.
- I was wondering why Santa Claus has a lumpy sack. Then the answer crossed my mind. He only comes once a year.
- Girl: Baby I am very wet.
Boy: Do you want a paper towel?
Girl: No, I want more than a paper towel
Boy: Do you need me to get more paper towels?
Girl: No, baby I want something so big and long
Boy: Damn you want the whole carton of paper towels?
- Wrong answers only. Hair on the top and hair on the bottom, in the middle a wet slit, what is it?
A: The eye.
- A friend of mine advised me that it’s good to keep a woman wanting more. I haven’t let my wife finish her dinner for weeks now.
- Do you know how playing bridge is similar to sex? Answer: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
- A woman walks out of the shower and winks at her boyfriend, then said to him, “Honey, I shaved down there, you know what that means?” The boyfriend nods and says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged yet again.”
- Guess who is the most popular guy at the nudist area? It is the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
- My choral director told me I needed to sing from my diaphragm—Guess what I did? I queefed.
- Do you know the difference between a lesbian and a bartender? One reaches for the mugs and the other one munches on the rugs.
- A bartender said to a man. “What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?” she asked and he stared with no answer. She finishes “The difference is someone’s always willing to blow your bonus”
- A curious drunk man asked out aloud “What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? And a drunk woman who sat opposite him responded. “About three inches”
- What comes after 69? It’s a quick Mouthwash.
- “What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes” –Unknown
- Do you know a snowstorm and a random guy who wants to f*ck you have something in common? You just don’t know how long it’ll last or how many inches you’ll get.
- Life is just like a penis? It sometimes gets hard when you least expect it.
- “Sex is like pizza, if you’re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you’re doing.” Mike Ginn
- The vagina said to the anus in their heated argument. “Maybe more people would have liked you if you weren’t an assh*le.”
- You can tell how guitar players get laid so often. They go through a lot of G strings.
- The difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a lightbulb but you can’t unscrew a pregnant woman.
- So a girl asked me if we could do it, cowgirl style, so I branded her.
- You can guess what the young man and old sleeper have in common. They both squeak when they pull out.
- The funniest question I have ever heard and response is “ What does Viagra have in common with love? They both make things harder”
Adult dirty story jokes
- A girl discovered that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
- A little boy goes to school but brings a cat with him. The teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?” The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my dad telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.”
- A man and a woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. On their anniversary night, at the table, the woman says, “Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were 50 years ago.” The man replies, “Madge, hon, that’s because they are sitting in your soup.
- Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, dad, you’re drunk.
- A married couple is preparing to have sex. The wife says: “Honey, do you think we could not do missionary this time?” The husband: “Damnit Sharon, I’ve already got the collar on!”
- One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s*x. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother is too embarrassed to tell her little girl about s*x so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
- Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”
The teacher bent down to pick up the chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”
- “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” (Joan Rivers)
- A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
- A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. Afterward, he asked, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom said, “We were baking a cake.” A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, “Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?” She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, “Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!
Over to you
We genuinely hope that reading this article has been a wild one for you. There are plenty of dirty adult jokes here, but make sure you’re in good company. Whether you need a good dirty pick-up line to text your partner, a funny joke to share with your friends, or you just love a good sexual innuendo. You can go ahead and choose several jokes you love from this one.